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11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2
24 hours in a day...24 cokes in a case...coincidence?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A chat has nine lives.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A new poll showed that if the election was held today, people would be confused because it's usually held in November.
A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one
A person all wrapped up in himself generally makes a pretty small package.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Access Denied - nah nah na nah nah na!
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anybody can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
All the lies they tell about me are true.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All wiyht. Rho sritched my kebord awound?
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Anybody who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Backup? We don't NEED no steenking backups.
Bad command or file name!  GO stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command; Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Best file compression around: DEL *.*  100% Compression.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
BUFFER=S 20 FILES 15 2nd down, 4th quarter 5 yards to go!
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Buy a Pentium II so you can reboot faster.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cusin Jethro
C:\ is the root of all directories.
C:\>Bad command or file; Go stand in the corner.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:=\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga. (Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Clones are people two.
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Did you know one seventh of your life is spent on Mondays?
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
Dijon vu -- the feeling you have eaten this mustard before.
Diplomacy is saying nice doggy until you find a rock.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -- Ann Landers
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't put all your hypes in one homepage.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
E Pluribus Modem.
E pluribus septum. (Multiple nose piercings.)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the etherbunny.
Every teen-ager should get a high school education -- even if they already know everything
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Famous last words: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
Famous last words: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
Famous last words: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
Famous last words: We won't need reservations.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
For every judge operating in an official capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed
Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!!
Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer. It's called a clothes line
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Home is where you hang your @
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say Honk if ...
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am at one with my duality.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I don't believe in jogging or working out at a gym.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, $2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I even get exercise from magazines. I bend over to pick up all those subscription cards that keep falling out.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I may not jog or workout -- but I'm a very brisk eater.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I walk everywhere for my health -- but I never find it.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
I woke up the other morning with a real desire to exercise -- So I stayed in bed till the desire went away.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl. -- Penny Ward Moser
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If Mary can write 35 words a minute by hand....... how fast could she write if she used a pencil?
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with Quit while you're ahead?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while you're ahead?
If silence is golden, not many people can be arrested for hoarding.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? --Richard Nixon
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat. (Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??)
I'll give you a definite maybe.
I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.
In dog years, I'm dead.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
In two words: impossible.
Include me out.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put thier hair
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
It is a terrible thing to lose one's mind.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
I've worked myself up from nothing into a state of extreme poverty.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Know what to expect before you connect.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Leaders go down in history -- some farther down than others
Leakproof thermoses - will.
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Looks are so deceptive that people should be done up like food packages with the ingredients clearly labled.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. --Winston Churchill
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modulation in all things.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Motorolus interruptus. (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
My cardiologist says I have the body of a 35 year old. He even told me where the guy was buried.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
My Reality Check bounced.
My reality check just bounced.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
My wife has come up with a brand new exercise -- she shops faster.
Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. -- Christopher Morley
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No Quid Pro Quo. (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus. (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Press <CTRL< ALT> <DEL> to continue..
Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to quit.
Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Rebooting the world. Please log off.
Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
Remember. The mightiest oak was once a little nut that held its ground.
Revelare Pecunia! (Show Me The Money!)
Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus. (Al Gore is GOING to Be President.)
ROM - Where the pope lives
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
School lunches stick to the wall.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi)- What you call your week-old underwear
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Seen it all; done it all; can't remember most of it.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Sic semper tyrannus. (Your dinosaur is ill.)
Sic transit gloria mundi (Gloria got sick on the bus Monday.)
Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Some folks pay a compliment like they went down in their pocket for it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Something that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair
Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's where the airline will find my luggage.
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune.)
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon (Yep/Nope)
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
Speak softly and carry a two-handed sword.
Speed thrills.
Square meals often make round people. - E. Joseph Cossman
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't have to experience it.
Television has raised the art of writing to a new low.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
The argument you just won with your spouse isn't over yet
The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers
The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take the old bugs out, put new ones in
The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage. -- Danish Proverb
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
The law of gravitation is the only law that everybody observes
The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. - Chinese Proverb
The modem is the message
The more you know, the more you know you ought to know
The name is Baud..., James Baud
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms!
The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
The only place where success comes before work is a dictionary. - Vidal Sassoon
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The outcome of the income depends on the outgo for the upkeep
The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest to let them.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
There is no such thing as child proofing your house.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
There's no place like http://www.home.com
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.
They are always biting the hand that lays the golden eggs. - Samuel Goldwyn
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Three children plus two cookies equals a fight
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time wounds all heels.
To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.
To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
To err is human, but to completely screw things up beyond repair requires a computer.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient Replace user
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
Virtual reality is its own reward.
We all admire the wisdom of people who come to us for advice. - Jack Herbert
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
What boots up must come down.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I die, I want it to be from some illness.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
When you flee temptations don't leave a forwarding address.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let Mom brush your hair.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Whether he's real or not, you should believe in the tooth fairy if you like money.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why are they called apartments when they're stuck together?
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do they call it a building? When it's done shouldn't they call it a built?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?
Why do they put locks on the doors at 7-11 if it's open 24 hours?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why doesn't DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Fo-net-it
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
Windows: Just another pane.
Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
You can't act like a skunk without someone getting wind of it.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You know the little indestructible black box that is used in airplanes? Why can't they make the plane out of the same substance?
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.